When Life Just Doesn't Seem Right - Something depressing because I'm sad.

I have a question for you.

Have you ever felt like life just didn't seem right? Maybe everything that is happening feels like a dream, or even a nightmare? Like things just couldn't get worse and then they just do as if you've been jinxed? Well, that's exactly how I feel. 

Happy New Years everyone! A lot of people like to reminisce about the year when it ends, but honestly if I summed up my year it wouldn't be very happy. I had issues in school, then shortly after that my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, she is fighting for her life. I fell out of love then back into it and got crushed, found a new love and got crushed again. Starting to wonder if I will ever be someone's first choice. Whether or not I'm better off being alone. I'm young and maybe I haven't met the one, but all the failed relationships and attempts all the rejection does a number on a person. Not that I'm going to give up on love, I just don't know who to give it to, or what to do with it. Oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. 

I guess when it comes down to it, taking life as it comes is probably the best thing I can do. When I first started this blog, I had a very strong will to just not care. Somehow I just didn't seem to care about anything or anyone. I never gave my heart to anyone, never trusted anyone and always expected they were going to screw me over so that when they did, I wasn't surprised, hurt or disappointed. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Well, I guess you're not worth any more of my time then." and went on with my day. I miss that person, I find myself now being the complete opposite. I give my heart away too easily, I trust too quick and I (worst of all) recently let my guard down with someone who ended up giving me every reason to regret it. Weird thing is, I don't hold it against him. I don't look at him in any different light, because I oddly enough understand. I don't know what has gotten into me over the years, I've gotten so soft, I hate it. I want my strength back but it seems almost impossible to find again. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, inside my own mind and no one will ever be able to read me, or understand me. I feel like no one will ever be able to find their way inside my mind.
I'm starting my new year off depressed, and I don't want to. My new years resolution is to find happiness, and to be content. Be there for my family, and be successful. Get my strength back mentally and physically, and hopefully find love somehow. I want love. Love makes me feel good. And finally, to see better days again.

My Plan

I am into my third year of college, so I am starting to get asked by my family as well as my peers, "Emily, what is your plan?" My plan. Yes, I do have a plan. I have had a plan for a while now. I plan to live my life, but do it in such a way that everything idealistically happens in a certain order, though I know I cannot be picky. 

Talking about my future is something my dad loves to do, so I obviously have some idea of what I want, even though I changed my mind about five times. The real thing to consider is how much my life is going to change within the next five years. There are so many possibilities for me, I feel so blessed to be given so many opportunities. I really have no one to thank but my parents and myself for it. They helped me when I needed guidance. Through my darkest times, when I felt like I had no one who cared about me, they showed me that when I felt alone the people who I needed would be there for me, and just to focus and it would all be okay, that I would get through one of the worst times in my life. It was when I was in my loneliest times that I realized the kind of person I am. It was then that I became motivated, and figured out my plan in life. 

It is so interesting how life changes; even the smallest changes make the biggest difference, and we as people, are forced to adapt to those changes and sometimes it might change who we are or what we do or how we see life. I am also young, and at my age I should only be focused on one thing at large, steps to take toward reaching my career goals, I know what I have to do to get there. This is not to say I am going to shut out having fun with my friends, or holding myself back from love, or doing other things that make me happy. I don't want to pass up on anything. Life is too short for that as well. Besides, I have a plan. Plans don't always work out, but I will not hold myself back from experiencing life either. 

Yes, I plan on going to grad school after I graduate, but I don't want just a degree in Law, I want a Masters in Communication as well. I plan on getting the Communication degree first. Beyond school? Yes, I do have a plan. I do want to get married someday and have a family, don't worry Mom and Dad. Before that though, I want to travel. I want to go to Italy, London, Greece, France... and so many more places. I want to go skydiving, go on a cruise, ride in a helicopter. Meet someone who will take me by complete surprise. 

I want to be successful, but still love life and everything it has to offer. That is my plan.

On My Own

I do not know everything, but one thing I do know is that for as far back

in time as I have learned or read about, people always needed each other. A woman needing a man, man needing a woman, man needing a man or woman needing a woman. No matter what way, shape or form, someone always needed someone else. Traditionally, it would be to have families and bare children. Over the ages, times have changed to couples being together just for support; whether morally, emotionally or financially. We have always needed one another, but why does that have to be the norm? What about the notion of an independent person? Man or woman. If I could go the rest of my life without ever having my heart broken again, I would not object to it. In fact, I would appreciate it. So am I saying that we almost have to become heartless and emotionless to achieve this? Absolutely not, our entire lives revolve around each other and the feelings we get. I'm simply just saying there is nothing wrong with just being who you are, but don't ever think for a second that you need a man or a woman in your life to be happy. Why can't you make yourself happy? Do the things you want to do, for you, not for someone else. How can we have our own identity if we are too busy hiding behind someone else all our lives? We can't. If we are never without someone attached to us all the time, we only know ourselves as the other person, but hey; you're going to realize that once you're alone, you were nothing at all like that guy or that girl. Find yourself before you find someone else. Otherwise you won't know what you want or who you're looking for, do not be with someone because you need to be, be with someone because you want to be. Someone recently told me, that when you travel [out of the country] you're perspective on life [everything] changes completely. I want to experience that for myself. Maybe I'll find myself, before I decide to trust another person with my heart.

A Complicated Life

Everyone lives a complicated life. I have learned that life is very short, and always speaking your mind or saying exactly how you feel was one of the best qualities a person could have. It is one quality that very few actually possess. For some reason though, it never makes life less complicated. No matter what, I think life will always be complicated no matter how much one tries to simplify his/her life. This is because for that one person who does have this wonderful personality trait, chances are, the person they are communicating with does not have the same quality. They are too quick to over think what is being said or confessed even.
If you love someone, why on earth would you ever hold it back from that person, in an attempt to keep life as simple as possible? Um, no. I'm a strong believer that a person should never leave anything left unsaid. THAT complicates things. The reason for this is simple. 
When a person holds back their feelings about an opportunity or a situation or even another person, nothing will come of it, because by not saying or doing anything about that opportunity or handling that situation or telling that person how you feel, you might as well just kiss it all goodbye and be miserable. Just say good riddance. That is what comes of never taking advantage of every chance you get. Then that once in a life-time opportunity, or situation or one person that you deeply care for or maybe even love is ripped away from you. Life is too short. Always say what you feel and always speak your mind. If then, things don't work out, then you know it was never meant to be. Then you aren't stuck wondering "what if". What if I said yes to that job offer.... what if I mended my relationship with that person in my family.... WHAT IF I told that person I love them.... would my life be different? Would I be happier? And if not, well, at least I would know my answer and find the strength to move on.
I wonder how things might be if everyone just swallowed their pride and asked the questions they really wanted answers for, or told someone they loved them, or actually took the initiative to go for what they truly wanted. How might the world be different if people just looked for the good, and not held back anything, and not kept secrets, or resented each other because of the pain they might have caused. I wonder how life might change for everyone if people just forgave each other and stopped judging everything and everyone; or how it might be different if no one ever held a grudge and was more eager to love one another. I think we would all see better days.

Dreams

Lately I've been having really strange dreams. Last night I had a dream that I had my own place, in one part of the dream it was a house and in another part of the dream it was a huge apartment that connected to the balcony of an Opera House. I lived with someone, a man, that I probably have met before, but not someone I can describe now, his face is a blur in my mind now. I want to say he had dark hair and definitely taller than me, and built rather nicely but I'm not quite sure how to describe the face that was so out of focused. I don't know what my dreams are trying to tell me lately. Maybe I've been doing too much reading. But every time I woke up, or came to consciousness I'd slip right back into the same dream, and that man would be there waiting for me, always waiting for me. This has never happened before. 
Lately my dreams have been all about relationships or my future or what I want in life. The difference is that I remember these dreams very vividly, I remember my dream last night just not the person who I was involved with. It's a strange thing really. I tend to over analyze them though. At least they aren't nightmares!

A Story By Tim Lydon

Today was a marvelous day, young cousin Bentley got his tooth knocked out today, and when Bentley found a quarter underneath his pillow, then he rose out of his bed... like he had the goosebumps.. so where he soon led to his father saying... "Fathah, I'm going to invest this dime into everything we once had, everyone we once known, and spit on it, and say: "hooooo" why didn't you bring me a $50, perfect.

FIN.

The Man from my Dream...

I was in a house in some city that I wasn't quite familiar with. There were all these people around that I thought I may have recognized from a distant memory, though I wasn't sure. Some of these people gave me a very dangerous feeling, I felt that I was in danger, and that these somewhat familiar people couldn't be trusted. 

I crept into a room where there was a gathering, they were talking about me. They felt as though I was a threat in some way that I wasn't able to understand. It was all happening in such a blur, because all of a sudden I was running outside for my life as someone in jeans and a black shirt chased me with something covering his face. I couldn't tell if it was a man or woman but by the look of the muscular build, I was almost certain it was a man; by the agility he moved with, he was definitely trained and probably young. What scared me even more were the two massive samurai swords he swung around himself. 

We reached a grass covered area, and it must have been forbidden territory for those who were trying to harm me because he stopped immediately. I looked back at him as I stopped, we stood looking at each other like that for what felt like a long time, then he removed the black covering over his face and the black long sleeved t-shirt. He was surprisingly handsome, and younger than I thought. He looked as if he were at least 25 years old. He had dirty-blond hair and intense blue eyes. He had perfect tan skin, and a little scruff of facial hair like it was perfectly trimmed. He was built flawlessly; and he just stood there staring at me like it was the first time he actually had a good look at me. Then he approached me. I whirled around and took off running again.

This gorgeous man scared me, he chased after me, calling for me to wait. I stopped and turned around when he reached me. At this moment I realized he was much faster than I was, so he must have let me lead him all this time so he could reach me at a safe place to talk? It seemed impossible but not entirely illogical, I thought. Then another blur happened, now we're in a car, I'm driving.

We drove a few minutes he was talking to me, but I barely knew what he said, all I remembered saying to this man was my honest opinions about what he had tried to do to me. He apologized and told me he never wanted to bring any harm to me, that he wanted to protect me. When he said he needed to leave. I stopped the car and he gets out and says he will see me again soon, as I'm driving away he stares after me until I'm out of sight.

I decided in that moment that it was a dream, and I knew I'd never see him again. I never even knew his name. Then I woke up.

Never Leave Anything Left Unsaid

He went through his entire life dating girls that never appreciated him because they never really wanted to get to know him. He never said what he truly wanted to say to anyone. He went through life living the "good-life." He had it all, the fame, the girls, the money and along with that; all the sex he wanted. He had a lot of friends and a successful career; and what an attractive man he was, dirty blond hair and green eyes with a hint of gold, he got just about any girl he wanted. A man with a dream he was able to achieve. There was a woman in his life that he always kept close by, but just far enough away. She was once all he could think about, but he enjoyed his life too much. He was never able to say what he truly wanted to say, and she never knew how he felt.

Years went by and she married a man she fell in love with, not the same love she felt for the man that was just out of her reach, but she loved him enough to want a life with him. He went to her wedding, wore a mask on his face that depicted happiness and excitement, yet he was feeling anything but that happiness within his heart. Inside, he felt alone, abandoned and torn. Because the one girl he ever shared a real connection with was gone. Yet he still didn't know why that bothered him so much, she was just his friend after all. Until one day, she emailed him pouring her heart out to him. She had always been in love with this beautiful dirty blonde green eyed successful, yet, troubled man; though she never told him because she knew he could never love her the same way, from her understanding. But she just never understood.

He finally knew how she felt, and he missed out on his opportunity to tell her. At just 33 years old, he was crossing the street in the city and was struck by a drunk taxi driver on his way to profess his love for her for the first time, in hopes he could truly find all the happiness he had hoped for. He was killed instantly. He never got to tell her how he felt; she never knew how he felt in return and she grew old with her husband, cherishing her children and her grandchildren, proud of her life and what she had, but never truly happy because she never found the love of her life. Though she knew that life sometimes doesn't happen that way, she died hoping that she would be reunited with her true love in Heaven or in another life.

Do you want to tell her she's beautiful? Do you want to tell him he's handsome? Do you just want to tell someone "I love you"? Just do it. Do it as many times as you get the chance because life is so short and so many people waste it leaving things unsaid. You never really know when your last day will be so don't waste it for a second.

School-Sick

Being in high school and being in college are so different. I know I just said the obvious, but for me, it differs in ways that most do not think about at first. When I was in high school I hated it, it was a place I just never wanted to be. You find yourself just wanting to breeze through it, and not look back, when vacations or days off come you dread going back, because it's the same boring information that you need to retain because you HAVE to. I never realized with college, the "learning part" would be so fun. Here I am on summer vacation and I'm ready to go back already.

Vacations are even different. Yes, the work load in college is much more to handle than high school, but the vacations are longer. So long that, by the middle of summer, I want to get back into my routine at school. I am one of those kids, yeah, I love to learn. I'm excited about my classes, and I'm ready for the challenge. Meeting people is another thing, you are surrounded by people that want to succeed and that helps. Sometimes I feel drowned by people who are still living their lives in high school, and I have already been out for two years, enough is enough for me. That is why I say move on and who ever cannot keep up just gets left behind. Well, I just want to get back to school and get smarter, that is all I guess I am trying to say. :)